Look at the Dispute with an Open Heart and Mind 

 A Lot of times a past conflict can be resolved by just looking at it with a new, calm perspective.  When you learn how to look at a past dispute without increasing your blood pressure or a sleepless night, you’ll be much more likely to find an favorable solution. 

The first thing you should do is look at the conflict objectively.  You need to raise all of the issues on your mind, but you must always be respectful. Actively listen to the other person, then ask that they do the same for you. Remember to focus on the problem, not the individual because personal assaults have never resolved anything! If you’re having a tough time communicating, a third-party can help mediate the discussion so that all parties are equally heard. 

Use your mutual interests and concerns as a starting point.  For example, if you were fighting with a sibling over a parent’s estate, perhaps you were both trying to ensure that the estate was as fair and balanced as possible.  Go forward from this point so that you start at a place where you both agree. 

Brainstorm resolutions that everyone can agree on.  Conflict usually occurs when one or both parties feel inequality, so get together and brainstorm ideas that will help you resolve the dispute.  You may find that you are actually building on one another’s ideas. That’s a good thing! The goal is to come to a resolution that offers mutual gain. 

Create standards of how things will be going forward and create all of your agreements surrounding these criteria.  This will help to ensure that you don’t have the same obstacles in the future.  By setting specific standards, everyone will be able to communicate in the most respectful and effective way moving ahead. 

Accept What You Cannot Change 

We all hear that we should accept the things that we cannot change, but this is easier said than done. When it comes to past disputes you should always seek to solve them first. If you cannot, it’s time to accept the things that you cannot change. 

• Give up control.  When you give up trying to control what is unmanageable suddenly the stress of handling with the dispute dissolves. You will feel like a mountain has been lifted off of your shoulders and you may find that you have a whole new look on life as well as the conflict and the person or people involved with it. 
• Share what you feel.  When you are feeling angry, hurt or stressed, try sharing your feelings with a trusted friend or family member.  It’s easier to move past disputes when you have sounding boards at your disposal.  You don’t necessarily have to talk to someone who was involved in the conflict, just share your feelings openly and honestly. By getting it out of your mind and off your chest, you’re able to find peace within your heart. 
• Look for the positives.  There are always positive things that come from every situation, even the worst of all conflicts. For example, you may have realized the importance of communication, interpersonal relationships, or forgiveness.  When you can find something good about a past situation you’ll find that coping with dispute is much easier. 
• Focusing on forgiveness.  When you focus on forgiveness, the hurt associated with conflict suddenly disappears. After all, we all make mistakes from time to time. When you understand that we live in an imperfect world it’ll be easier to let go of the hurt feelings and anger associated with the dispute.